My. Huge. Brain.

I watched TWO documentaries last night. In a triumphant effort to expand my mind. It's huge now. My brain. That is.

Back to the documentaries. "Super Skinny Me" and "Super Slim Me." Both found on YouTube. Same sort of unoriginal title. Same sort of premiss. Both about smart, healthy women. Going on stupid, unhealthy diets. The women are all journalists. They've taken on the assignment of finding out what it's like to achieve "perfection." They diet and exercise their way to a US size zero. "Super Skinny Me" had Louise and Kate. Healthy women on a 5 week mission to lose as much weight as possible. Both try fad diets: cabbage soup, lemonade, protein shake, etc. Louise survives on mostly liquids. And works out like a mad-woman. Kate runs an hour every day. And lives on juice.  One week, she gets 4 enemas. "Super Slim Me" showcases Dawn. Healthy girl. Goes on an 8 week "starvation" diet. Less than 500 calories a day. Plus insane 2-hour workouts. 

No surprise. They all lose weight. The crazy thing is how messed up these girls' heads get. They're miserable. Become depressed. Struggle at work. Withdraw from friends. Lose energy. And become obsessed with food and weight loss. They feel bad for eating. Feel proud of hunger pains. Dieting is all they talk about. All they think about. It completely consumes them. By the end, only Louise is in a size zero. And she hates it. Dawn's white blood cells and antioxidants are so dangerously low that she is medically advised to stop the dieting. And Kate must enter therapy as she has begun to develop bulimia. 

It got me thinking. [Insert corny joke about "thinking not happening often." Or something to that effect.] [Insert pity polite laugh.] About my own level of obsession. About how easy it is to become consumed by a number on the scale. Or a jean size.  Or ridiculous millimeters of fat. Funny how a quest for health can so easily turn to a quest for perfection. Not funny, "haha." Funny, "Oh that's interesting." In case you thought I was making a joke. 

Morals

And Whatnot.

Stories are supposed to have a moral. Examples. Little Red Riding Hood: If your Grandma looks like a wolf, she is a wolf. Jack and Jill: When walking, always wear a helmet. Always. 3 Little Pigs:  If your neighbor is a wolf, don't taste like bacon. Humpty Dumpty: Don't climb walls. If you're an egg. Etc. Fantastic lessons for kids. I must say.

So. Being the "family friendly" blogger that I am, I decided that my juice fast story should have a moral. Here goes. It pays to take the easy way out. And/or cheat. That's right, boys and girls. I lost 6 pounds on a 3-day juice fast. And kept it off. Plus. I feel great. I'm eating better than ever. And I'm only 3 pounds away from my goal weight. So there.

Crucifixion?

Ah, no. Freedom for me.

We quit. But before you pull out the hammer and nails, hear me out. We started the cleanse to feel good. Day 1, fine. Day 2, good. Day 3, fine. Day 4, shit*. Day 5, shit**.I get that there are supposed to be highs and lows. And it was very helpful to talk to a few of you about that. Although many of you were worthless. But. The overwhelming lack of energy (oxymoron?) was infuriating. [Insert animal roar here.]

So. I made chili. And John made Mac and Cheese. Both from scratch. Thankyouverymuch. However. I'm a glutton for punishment. Therefore. I've decided to do a "partial fast." For a few days, anyway. Read: We have a ton of fruit that will go to waste if I don't juice it. Plus. I kinda like it. I'll be having juice for breakfast and dinner. Chili for lunch. And we'll just see how it goes.

P.S. My chili is the bomb.

P.P.S. Do you think the government is going to start reading my blog now that I've mentioned bombs? Twice.

John's amendments:
*Not. The good kind.
**Definitely. Not. The good kind.

Thud. Thud.

That, my friends, is the sound of us hitting the wall.

I hit first. Being the trendsetter that I am. John followed shortly thereafter. Most would chalk that up to us being on the same diet. I believe it's because I look so good running madly into a wall. You can decide for yourselves.

The last couple days have felt progressively worse. Day 2 was actually pretty good. Day 3 was rough. I spent most of it lightheaded watching Master Chef. A show about food. Pathetic. Me. Not the show. Show is quite good actually. Assuming you're not on a fucking juice fast. In which case, it's pure hell. Today is day 4, and I'm pretty well sick of not eating. It's not that I'm especially hungry. Just moderately so. Or that I'm craving anything in particular. Just pizza, french toast (bastard), mac and cheese, fish and chips, a fucking pear, etc. I'm really just sick of not eating. To be honest, I miss fruit the most. Could be because there's so much in my house and I have to consume it all through a fucking straw.

Also, I was promised good poops. And that was a damned LIE!!! I was regular the first day, and haven't really pooped since!! Granted, I pee at least every hour. But it's a let down none-the-less. I guess the good news is I'm down 6.5 pounds, but I'm sure most of that will be back.

Anyway, we're at the wall and wondering if we've got the desire to keep this up another week. We're "re-evaluating" tomorrow. Have enough food in the house to last us 2 days, so I don't expect to stop shy of Thursday, but we'll see. John is weak.

Somebody Get Me Some French Toast.

Pronto.

I don't know why I can't get French Toast of of my head. But there it is. Taunting me. Little fucker.

End of day one. Honestly, not as hungry as I'd imagined. Read: I haven't eaten the dogs. Feel kind of foggy. Bit tired. Could go for some french toast. But, overall, I'm good. We whipped up 4, 16oz cups of juice. Mine Some much better tasting than John's others. But seriously. There is room for improvement.

Tips for day one of a juice fast? 1. Don't eat cake the day before. I know it sounds like a good idea. I know. But you will regret it when it haunts your dreams. 2. Don't start a book about a double suicide. That may be a good tip for any day. I'll keep you posted. 3. Get outside. Fresh air helps. Apparently :/

Averages for the day:
Mood: Good.
Hunger: Tolerable.
Energy level: Lower than normal.
Bowels: Regular.
Weight: Should not have had cake yesterday. Bad Tayloe.

Juice Fast?

Sure.

I want to start off by saying, this is all John's fault idea. We watched a documentary the other day Fat, Sick and Almost Dead which got him us thinking about juice fasting. In the film, the purpose of the fast is for weight loss. But the guy is huge, and there's no way we would, or ever could, lose that kind of weight. What interested John us was the "detox" potential. Before I go on, I'd like to make it clear that every time I hear myself, or someone else for that matter, talk about "detoxing" I want to punch myself in the throat. However, I love a good poop. Who doesn't, really? And that's what got me on board. Because in my mind, detox=poop. Throat punch avoided.

So here we are. It's Friday and our juicer has arrived. We went in to town earlier and picked up as many organic fruits and vegetables as our little colons fridge could handle. We start tomorrow and fast on only freshly squeezed fruit and vegetable juice for 10 days. I'll keep you posted on my mood, energy level, weight loss, juice concoctions and if you're really lucky, bowels. I promise to keep the gross factor to a minimum  medium.

$200 worth of organic fruit and veg. Should last us until Monday...

Round 3

Hello friends. It's been a while. But I'm back. With a vengeance. 

So here we go. Gloves are on. Figuratively speaking. I have the heat cranked. There's really no need for gloves. Round 3 is about to commence.

Here's the low down. I've been eating. A lot. My weight is basically back where I started. Awesome. But I've also been rock climbing. A lot. So besides the fact the sometimes my fingers hurt too much to type, I'm feeling good. Well. Good enough, anyway.

Tomorrow will be my first day back to CrossFit. It may kill me. But let's be optimistic and assume I don't die. Or brutally maim myself attempting ring dips. My week will proceed as such. Monday CrossFit and soccer. Tuesday I've got yoga and climbing. Wednesday, just CrossFit. Thursday is climbing and yoga. Friday I'm going to attempt CrossFit, yoga and soccer. Saturday is climbing and soccer. And on Sunday, I will collapse in a heap and plead for death. After yoga. Then on Monday, I'll do it all over again. For a month straight. Jealous yet?

My diet it going to be different than it was it was previously. For two reasons. One. I hated it. Two. I really hated it. Having said that, I have yet to come up with an actual plan. Other than, "eat less shit food." But I'll keep you posted. 

And finally, I'll be taking measurements, and of course photos either tomorrow or Tuesday. I'll have those up as soon as possible. Lucky you.

Round 3. Bring it on.